I Bet You Feel Bad About Not Buying More Oxyclean.

I woke up at a very reasonable hour this morning(10:30am) and followed my usual routine(pee, wipe the sleep out of my eyes, take a shot of bourbon, log on to the interwebs) to find that Billy Mays has passed away. My first initial reaction was "Vince the ShamWow Guy had something to do with this". I just have a feeling that Vince the ShamWow Guy was looking for a way to redeem himself in the eyes of the consumer after he got his skinny ass kicked by a skanky hooker. I imagine him sitting down to a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch and thinking to himself "Vince the ShamWow Guy, you have really screwed the proverbial pooch here. You've got to do something to make the public forget about your arrest and make your face associated with good things again, like medium sized, brightly colored, highly absorbant towels."
Then I imagine he looks at underage porn, maybe does a little dusting in his studio above his grandmother's garage, possibly makes care packages for soldiers in Iraq, and then all of a sudden it hits him(like the skanky hooker did)! Billy Mays has to go. With Billy Mays gone, Oxyclean will have no choice but to choose him as the new spokesperson for their highly overrated product! Then my imagination gets a little fuzzy here and the details of how he plans on carrying out this brilliant plot aren't that clear. But I'm guessing it has something to do with a hairless ninja cat.
And here we are, 48hrs. later reading about how poor Billy Mays has passed away and will forever be linked to Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, and Farah Fawcett in the week of celebrity deaths.
Sad times ya'll, sad times.

He totally looks like Benicio Del Torro in The Usual Suspects!

The First Time is Always the Hardest

I was coerced into blogging by a very special friend of mine who shall remain nameless. I think that's because she is a secret superhero. I'm assuming her super power is consuming vast quantities of vodka without tipping over. But I could be wrong. Although I highly doubt it. Shoot, combine her skill with mine in regards to scotch and we're the freaking Super Twins! "Form of... Stumbling Blond In Wobbly Heels!"
But I digress. I've never really blogged before. I have always been convinced that blogging was for people who lacked serious social talent and were smarmy shut ins. Either that or they were so wholly consumed with their own self they couldn't imagine a world without strict interest in every move they make. Having said that, I frequently update my status on Facebook and have a Twitter account. So I guess this was the next natural step for me(thanks nameless friend). I see why she recommended I start my own blog. I can't imagine anybody NOT being interested in the deplorable thoughts that roam through the forest of my tiny little mind.
I suppose this shall be an interesting experiment for me. Can I keep up with the blogging Joneses? Will I be able to maintain my blog in between SuperPoke Pets and updating my status on the aforementioned Facebook? Will anybody find this interesting or will my rambling blogs become fodder for the invisible wizards that live in my computer and read only the unreadable parts of the internet? Will you tell your friends to read this blog because you found this "weirdo" online who is telling everyone about her daily triumphs over the mundane? Will they ever discover a laser that will remove those crazy scars from Seals face? Why do they give you one tiny ketchup packet with your fries at Sonic? Which by the way totally pisses me off. Your fries aren't that great that they don't need ketchup Sonic Drive-In. You are no McDonalds! Throw in, I don't know, like 5 packeages and we'll see. Oh, and an extra mint too please.
You see now the crazy writings that will inevitably spring forth from my fingertips while blogging and you want more don't you? Go ahead and subscribe, I dare you. You see I... gotta' go. Ian just walked in with my cold beer and it's 3:30pm, which means I am behind in my drinking schedule.