Give A Dog A Bone

Dear City Official,

I am composing this email on behalf of my darling dog, Sailor. He's a
two year old mix of something cute and something adorable, mixed with
one part chicken. My family and I were graced with his presence
approximately one week before Halloween, this past Autumn. He is a
giant, red, furry monster who cowers at the sight of a rotating
ceiling fan and our cat(who is one 20th of his size), but who loves
getting his tummy rubbed and sitting in your lap like he's a
Chihuahua. (I guarantee you, no part of him is Chihuahua!)

He loves going to the dog park, and you can truly see his canine
spirit as he races along with other dogs, chasing after tennis balls,
and diving into a pond or lake or puddle, or any form of water that's
dirty enough to cause me to, once again, clean out the back seat of
the car. He is fiercely loyal to our family, never straying from our
side, and always returning when we call his name. He loves liver
treats and will sit, shake, and do the laundry just to get one. He
sleeps in my daughter's bed every night and is so polite that he
actually shares the edge of the queen sized bed with her! What a
prince!

He is a well behaved gentleman when we have guests, never jumping on
them, licking their faces, chewing their shoes, or sneaking sips of
their beer. He does not bark or go doggy insane when the mailman comes
to the door, and he is never aggressive with anyone(Go ahead and take
their flat screen t.v., burglar, but can you leave me a liver treat on
your way out?).

In short, he is a glorious dog and should have a street named after
him. (I'm looking at you, Mayor!) And do you know who we have to thank
for him? A wonderful, unselfish, dedicated, passionate, and
responsible organization by the name of Chain of Hope.

This place is run by some of the most big-hearted people you could
ever hope to meet. They are consumed with the protection of helpless
animals, going out into the worst type of weather to feed and water
thin, neglected dogs. They run charity drives to raise money for hay
to fill dog houses, food to fill bellies, and blankets to fill beds.
They are super heroes in puffy coats and knit hats! They are the type
of humans I want my kids to become.

Recently they had a little snafu with Animal Control that seems to be
threatening all of the hard work they're doing. You can read about it
here : http://networkedblogs.com/rL18S.

I would very much like to see them receive a bit more support,
considering that they're on the same team as you. They want to do
nothing but provide help and love for an animal that may not have been
shown anything but cruelty in their lives. I know my dog was abused
and neglected prior to his rescue, and it has scarred him so terribly
that he can't fully relax in our(his) home. It's been months, and we
still have to encourage him to eat without fear. It's a sad thing to
see him cower away from a stuffed penguin. A stuffed penguin! What did
his horrendous previous owners do to him? I don't know, but if it
weren't for Chain of Hope, he wouldn't be with us, the people who love
him so much, we will never spend another day of his life away from
him.

If you can see fit, please look into this situation and realize they
are one of the good guys. Shut them down, and you're shutting down the
lives of homeless, cold, innocent animals, who just need a bit of
compassion and food, and the chance to find a family as ridiculously
over-the-moon about them as we are for Sailor. You wouldn't tell
Batman to hang up his utility belt, would you? WOULD you?

Thank you for any assistance you can provide!

Sincerely,
Gwen Farley and Sailor the Red Monster

p.s.- I've attached a photo for your enjoyment. If his unbearable
cuteness spurs you into action, then so be it.

I'd Be Purrfect For This!

So I'm always on the prowl for a job I can enjoy and be great at. I found this posting for a receptionist position on Craigslist stating that this was a "cats only" veterinarian and that the applicant should love cats. I do love cats so I decided to apply. I wanted my cover letter to really give a statement about who I was and why they should hire me. They haven't called me for an interview yet, but my fingers are still crossed!



To Whom It May Concern,
I am responding to your advertisement placed on Craigslist which states your opening for a receptionist at your office. I am sure that you've had an overwhelming response to your post, but I wanted to throw my horse into this race too. Generally I would send you an upbeat and generic email regarding my capabilities in running an office, staying organized, being a team leader, and providing excellent customer service. In that email I would mention that I am proficient in a multitude of computer programs that include Microsoft Word/ Works, Excel, and PowerPoint. I might also tell you that I am self motivated, which has allowed me to work for myself in the insurance field(it was boring and tedious, but I bet you guessed that when I said "insurance field"), intelligent(I haven't spelled anything wrong so far), and reliable(my family eats a meal I prepare myself every night). I suppose it would also behoove me to mention that I have plenty of experience handling a wide range of clientele at once, all while remaining calm, cool, and collected. Having worked in retail and the restaurant/ bar industry, I can guarantee that I know how to get more flies with honey, and can still convince those flies to flit away happily and recommend my company to other flies.
In that generic email, you would find a statement in which I would boast of my adaptability to new situations, my desire to succeed at everything I try(except for P90X, that was way too hard), and my overall professional demeanor and attire(I've always known it was a bad idea to wear your swimsuit and cowboy boots to work). Usually I would mention that my previous employers have valued my drive, punctuality, wit, and ingenuity. I like to think I make myself sound pretty darn good in those emails.
But here's the thing, I have five adorable cats, and I think they would agree that it's best that I keep it simple and tell you that I LOVE kitties. And that if I had a job which required me to work around them all day, handling them and assuring their pet parents received the best treatment possible, I would be insanely happy. Almost to the point where my face got tired from grinning like a fool(I'd be sure not to grin like a fool around the clients).
I've heard it said that if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. I'm hear to tell you that I think that sounds fantastic. I figure that since I love cats and am used to running an office, this job might be the best opportunity I have to find that nirvana for myself!
If you're looking for someone who understands how to balance the humor in life with the stuff that's more serious, I'm right here. Stop looking. And please feel free to contact me at the number provided below. I would sincerely appreciate the chance to interview for this opening.
Sincerely,
Gwen Farley

Wow, it has been awhile.

Having been invited to this blog atmosphere by my secret friend(I've still got you covered there buddy), I have blogged a total of two times prior to this. Why haven't I been at it more you ask? Because it feels like work. And work my friend, is my enemy unless I'm getting paid to do it. However a strange occurrence has occurred in my life, and I would like to share it with all 10 of you.
My high school bf friend requested me on FB. My nameless, ninja friend has seen photos of him, and I'm sure she is giggling right now at the memories. He is the very first person I ever did the youknowwhat with, the first person I ever said "I love you" to(who wasn't blood related), and the very first person whose life I completely fucked up. Why he requested I be his friend now, I'll never know, and will never ask. I have a feeling it has to do with my breasts, or maybe his forgiving nature, but nonetheless, I added him.
He's married and has been to a cute little lady who I am going to assume is much nicer than I am. I am happy for him. Happy that he was able to hate me with a seething, rotting passion that led him to swear off all crazy bitches until he found his lovely wife.
I'm betting that you are now salivating to know the horrid, horrid things I did to him. Fine, I'll tell you. But I am not responsible for the grimy black mark that will be left on your soul.

1.) I made him give me the $20 he found in a parking lot.
2.) I tricked him into having sex with me at his bosses house, because they were out of town and I thought it would be fun.
3.) I cried when he said he thought Bjork was pretty.
4.) I punched him once because I thought he was being a bully towards someone.
5.) I smoked in his car, even though he didn't smoke.
6.) At a party once, I ditched him for some cute guy who was tripping on acid.
7. I hung out with his best friend WAAAY too much and got the friend high for the first time.
8.) I sulked when he would hang out with anyone but me.
9.) I borrowed money I never paid back.
10.) And the worst thing I did, the worst thing I've ever done to anyone, is I took his virginity, and then I slept with his best friend(the one I got high), and took his virginity also.

So there you have it. I was a sad, crazy, lonely kid who didn't know how to act in an intimate relationship. I hurt him tremendously and have always wanted to tell him how miserable I've felt about it. I won't, because I don't want to bring up the past. But I sure wish he knew how much his kindness has actually meant to me. And that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't know how to completely control my husband with physical harm and verbal beatdowns. :0
Ok, I actually have a pretty great marriage due to me learning how NOT to treat someone you love. So thanks Scott. I really mean that.

I Bet You Feel Bad About Not Buying More Oxyclean.

I woke up at a very reasonable hour this morning(10:30am) and followed my usual routine(pee, wipe the sleep out of my eyes, take a shot of bourbon, log on to the interwebs) to find that Billy Mays has passed away. My first initial reaction was "Vince the ShamWow Guy had something to do with this". I just have a feeling that Vince the ShamWow Guy was looking for a way to redeem himself in the eyes of the consumer after he got his skinny ass kicked by a skanky hooker. I imagine him sitting down to a bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch and thinking to himself "Vince the ShamWow Guy, you have really screwed the proverbial pooch here. You've got to do something to make the public forget about your arrest and make your face associated with good things again, like medium sized, brightly colored, highly absorbant towels."
Then I imagine he looks at underage porn, maybe does a little dusting in his studio above his grandmother's garage, possibly makes care packages for soldiers in Iraq, and then all of a sudden it hits him(like the skanky hooker did)! Billy Mays has to go. With Billy Mays gone, Oxyclean will have no choice but to choose him as the new spokesperson for their highly overrated product! Then my imagination gets a little fuzzy here and the details of how he plans on carrying out this brilliant plot aren't that clear. But I'm guessing it has something to do with a hairless ninja cat.
And here we are, 48hrs. later reading about how poor Billy Mays has passed away and will forever be linked to Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, and Farah Fawcett in the week of celebrity deaths.
Sad times ya'll, sad times.

He totally looks like Benicio Del Torro in The Usual Suspects!

The First Time is Always the Hardest

I was coerced into blogging by a very special friend of mine who shall remain nameless. I think that's because she is a secret superhero. I'm assuming her super power is consuming vast quantities of vodka without tipping over. But I could be wrong. Although I highly doubt it. Shoot, combine her skill with mine in regards to scotch and we're the freaking Super Twins! "Form of... Stumbling Blond In Wobbly Heels!"
But I digress. I've never really blogged before. I have always been convinced that blogging was for people who lacked serious social talent and were smarmy shut ins. Either that or they were so wholly consumed with their own self they couldn't imagine a world without strict interest in every move they make. Having said that, I frequently update my status on Facebook and have a Twitter account. So I guess this was the next natural step for me(thanks nameless friend). I see why she recommended I start my own blog. I can't imagine anybody NOT being interested in the deplorable thoughts that roam through the forest of my tiny little mind.
I suppose this shall be an interesting experiment for me. Can I keep up with the blogging Joneses? Will I be able to maintain my blog in between SuperPoke Pets and updating my status on the aforementioned Facebook? Will anybody find this interesting or will my rambling blogs become fodder for the invisible wizards that live in my computer and read only the unreadable parts of the internet? Will you tell your friends to read this blog because you found this "weirdo" online who is telling everyone about her daily triumphs over the mundane? Will they ever discover a laser that will remove those crazy scars from Seals face? Why do they give you one tiny ketchup packet with your fries at Sonic? Which by the way totally pisses me off. Your fries aren't that great that they don't need ketchup Sonic Drive-In. You are no McDonalds! Throw in, I don't know, like 5 packeages and we'll see. Oh, and an extra mint too please.
You see now the crazy writings that will inevitably spring forth from my fingertips while blogging and you want more don't you? Go ahead and subscribe, I dare you. You see I... gotta' go. Ian just walked in with my cold beer and it's 3:30pm, which means I am behind in my drinking schedule.